Self-help is dead – the age of take or be taken has spawned the bestselling guide to emulation from the self-proclaimed king of awesome – Jatz Jaxon.

Nepal’s tourism ministry has confirmed that Jatz Jaxon did indeed break the record for the fastest ascent of Mount Everest. On 21 May 2011, Mr Jaxon climbed the world’s highest mountain in eight hours and nine minutes, breaking the previous record, held by Lekpa Gelu Sherpa, by one minute.

The announcement followed an investigation into claims by Lekpa that his one-time good friend hadn’t reached the summit at all. Lekpa and 11 other mountaineers protested that Mr Jaxon couldn’t have made an ascent that day due to bad weather.

When confronted by our sources Mr Jaxon confirmed that these allegations were in fact “bullshit” and that “Mr Lepkas’ momma was too friendly with a llama and should mind his own business”. Ironically the final piece of evidence supplied for said climb was a page from Mr Jaxon’s recent bestselling book “how to be as awesome as me” , the sequel to his previous best seller “that’s enough about me, what do you think about me?”.

After collecting evidence of Mr Jaxon’s feat from other climbers who were in the area at the time, the ministry was satisfied that there is enough evidence to confirm Mr Jaxon as the record holder.